This is my Tigersuit

So, I started this Journal in about late 8th grade. It's been a nice solace for whatever thoughts I felt like chronicling in here. But, I figured it'd have to end sometime. So, why not end this journal with the happy memory of ending high school?

Livejournal, you've been swell to me, through the good times and the bad times, and I believe this'll be the last time we see each other.

So long farewell, auf weidersehen goodbye!

Today will be my last day of High School, forever. I wonder what I'll do tomorrow?

To all the friends I've made and all the teachers I loved, cheers!

-Benjamin

It's my second to last day of High School. I'm starting to feel that bittersweet sickness about all the teachers and friends I may not see anymore...

Prom was fun... it takes me a while to let go sometimes. I danced for the first time ever. But, a couple things always tend to make me feel a little sad. I kinda wonder why I feel like I need the attention of certain people sometimes. But dancing my ass off for the first time was a little reminder of what having fun was like, regardless of whatever anyone's thinking. Shit, I even slow danced.

Afterwards was the tits. There's nothing like drinking with your friends, and having a good time while they're having a good time. I ended up doing tons of potentially embarrassing shit the whole night, but I have no regrets. It'd be nice if it was that fun to party with your friends every time. But, you can't plan these things.

I just wonder when I'll meet a girl that I put in the highest regards have mutual feelings for me... but, once again, you can't plan these things.

Regardless, I had tons of fun! High School is nearing it's execution. I'll be graduating, spending a year looking for scholarships, and hopefully keeping my mind out of the gutter.

and damn it's getting hard to make myself do homework... all I have to do is pass...

See you in 2008, Massachusetts!

So, this last weekend I recorded my first demo with a bunch of friends. It was a great experience, and tons of fun. It became a nice little reminder of one of the reasons I play music.

I squint a lot when I drive. When my eyes begin to focus, I start to realize how bad at seeing I've really become. Putting on other people's glasses who probably have a similar prescription to my eyes, the most stunning thing I've noticed is how vibrant reflections really are. Why is it this year that my vision has become so faded? I can't wait to get glasses, it'll be nice to see things clearly again.

Haha, I've been made a fool! Someone slap the cuckold's horns behind my head.

So, I've been appointed drummer of Rendezvous. I had a mini revelation today.

See, I've never practiced swing beats in my life, so it had been a little awkward for the past few days to get real creative with the rhythm. But, while I was drumming today, I noticed that my hands were being completely independent of each other, and I wasn't even thinking or trying when I was playing. I was just letting the beat and the music flow, and it was coming out superb!

It's a nice feeling when you feel like you've gotten past another barrier in music.

I swear, the world is pulling me back and forth like the biggest joke tug-of-war ever. I best be learning to laugh at myself a lot.

The past week or so has really put me in a sad mood. I feel like I made some decisions that hurt some people's feelings, and made myself look like a jerk. It's my indecisiveness that is my downfall, and I was feeling real depressed about the whole situation. It seemed like the world was sort of laughing at me.

Anyway, this weekend was nice. I hung out with Joey and we watched our music teacher, Jerome, perform, and it was good! Then we saw Hot Fuzz with Kris, and it was ridiculously hilarious! Then, we ended the night at Mark's, with some beverages and a barbecue at 2:30 am! It was a nice change to the previous week, and I really am grateful to have such friends.

Today, at my lesson, Jerome asked when I was graduating. I told him in June. And he gave me a kun shoulder pad! He gave me some really encouraging words, and told me how much he respects me for what I've done.

I'm glad that I have the people I have in my life. I really hadn't felt this bad in so long, but these guys brought me back up, and I'm sure they don't even know it. But, I'm thankful for my friends and for my mentors. I don't know what I'd do without them sometimes.

I think I'm come off as a creep sometimes. HAHAHA

I've been going through little bouts of depression and nostalgia as of late.

I got accepted to Hampshire, and it's an exciting thing! But my Dad won't have anything to do with the cost. This entire situation has made me lose a lot of respect for him. So I've chosen to defer my admission for a year. Jerome told me how he took a year off, and it was the best decision he ever made. He worked half time, played music full time. I plan to do something similar. Maybe I'll go to Japan in the next year. But I plan to spend a good portion of it applying for scholarships and looking into different sorts of aid to get me through college.

I went to a Key Club convention this past weekend. It was kind of ridiculous, but pretty fun! Although, I really wonder if Key Club is more about the convention rather than the service. Then again, the convention has given me the desire to do more with my club in the next few months.

But I think other things were learned at this convention. Especially regarding me and the opposite sex. There were definitely a few awkward moments Joey and I had to struggle through. Grinding is the worst form of dance to ever exist.

I'm a lot more nervous around the opposite sex than I really thought I was. This convention was full of ridiculously beautiful girls. I mean, a large demographic of the people attending were nearly Goddesses of Women. And it's funny to think about how I handled myself in the midst of all this. Self consciousness is a killer, and I really wish I had the confidence to go up to anyone and say or do whatever I want all the time. Something I suppose I'll have to work on.

Maybe it was the fact that this convention was entirely made up of strangers, and that coming out of a comfort zone, like school, really puts my audacity to the test. I think I'd like to learn to dance.

These past few days were truly something else. Going into a room almost completely full of strangers, being given music, learning and performing it in two days with an accomplished composer and conductor was like nothing else. I'm really glad I did this Eric Whitacre Invitational. I feel like I learned a lot, especially being around so many young and exceptional singers.

Eric's story about how he got to where he was, was really encouraging to me. He started music much later than I did, and continued with it and made it into something really amazing. I think it just goes to show that tenacity and talent are sometimes much more important than how much theory you may or may not know.

I met some interesting people as well. I feel I came out of these two days with many things I'll never forget. Especially the music, and the people.

30 March, 2007 - The night my brain exploded.

I went over to Ashli's apartment tonight. I forgot how much I liked Bryant, Chris, and Ashli. I also forgot what it's like to meet those random people who drink, and how some are fun and some are strange. Especially watching one guy try and get with his friend's girlfriend the second he leaves. Luckily, Chris is a champion of the Coque Bloque.

I'm so disappointed in what Kevin's become. I felt ashamed of admitting to someone he was once my best friend. But, I don't think what he is now, is who I was friends with then. And if he is still just the same person, then I've encountered a change so vast within the past year.

I was the youngest person in that apartment. Some people were probably in their mid to late twenties. It's strange how I'm in the fruit of my youth, but these people are well into their adulthood. Yet, I am in the same room with them, at the same party, doing the exact same things as them. It is my conviction that if I do the best I can I will be able to have an exciting and amazing future. But these people discourage me. They've all had the years ahead of me to have developed something amazing. But they have nothing to do, so they come to the same party, and they'll probably leave in the morning, and forget about it, and then do it again next weekend, and the weekend after that, and then they'll probably die.

I guess what I'm most scared of are the doors closing around me. I hope to never live inside that wheel.

300 was unreal.


Practice was good today, minus Joey not being there. But things are really coming together and I think the music will be real solid in no time. Nik playing 3 octaves of E's is REDUNKULOUS and sounds cooler than anything I've ever heard! I feel like I've laid off a little bit with the music now, and it's turning out to be much better than it was before.

I had a big conversation with my mom. She told me how I don't take advice, and that I think I know everything. I found some truth in this conversation, especially when she'd give me advice and my reply would be "I know." Rather than a thank you or something... But I understood how in my music, the quality before was much more inferior to what it's becoming now, and I think that was due to a need to satisfy my huge ego by making sure every single little detail is exactly how I want it. I guess what I never took time to look at was how the musician's role is played in music. Anyone can play a song, but it's the real musicians that make it their own. I felt like my dictatorship was hindering a lot of potential creativity and quality in these songs, and now that I've begun to lay off and let things happen more naturally with everyone, that things are starting to come together easier and better than before. It'll be nice to get this all recorded and squared away.

I'm going to make my first composition soon. It'll also be my final for AP Music Theory. Thank heavens for the musics

Solo Ensemble was fun! I got a 2+, which is out of a score with 1 being the best, and 3 being the lowest. My voice felt a little harsh in the morning, so when I hit the higher notes in Standchen, they didn't retain the quality of tone my lower notes had. But, what can ya do? I felt like I did pretty good, and the judge had a lot of good things to say. Also, she didn't ask if I knew what the song was about, which most likely means I must've shown my expressions very well. I forgot a few words in the second half of the song, but I just replaced them with previous words that I remembered, and I wonder if she didn't notice?! My accompanist didn't notice, and I feel like I played it cool and sang well. Today was real good. I think I worked Che Fiero Costume pretty well too.

I also went to the school's play last night, and it was real good. It's kinda funny watching people you know play these roles so well. I almost cried!

I've been considering it since last year, but I've decided to try out for the next play. I've never been in a play before, so I figure now's the time to try! Although, it may mean I'll have to not continue into Japanese 203, but I think I'd be okay with that. It's my last year of High School, I figure I might do everything while I have the chance! I don't want to end this year with any regretful "what if?"s.

My vocal range has been improving as well. The other day, I believe I hit the B above middle C with my chest voice, and there was no distortion with my throat or anything. My life goal is to hit the C two octaves above middle C, like Ian Gillan! I've only got a little more than an octave to go!!!

So Hampshire put me on the waiting list for a second application review in the spring. I wasn't instantly denied! Maybe there is hope for me in higher education...

I wish I was justice.

Is there ever a time where it's necessary to inflict harm upon someone?



I think so. Absolutely.

Winter Break II was fun. I tried to do as much as I could every day because I never knew when school would come back. Joey and I ended up just not going today, since it was Friday and it just didn't seem worth it. Although, today was probably the least fun of them all.

I have trouble being around people for too long. I don't know what it is, but sometimes I just can't handle anyone.

I'm ready to go full force into practicing. I'm pretty sure I've decided what studio to record in. Now it's just a matter of getting everyone up to speed musically. I'm going to make sure things are immaculate, perfect, and beyond all previous expectations. I'm really excited to begin working with Nik, Kevin, Jared, Michael, and Joey. There's so much talent and creativity is mixed up between these guys. It's going to be an adventure and an honor. I can't wait!