This is my Tigersuit

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 16:50:41 GMT

So, I started this Journal in about late 8th grade. It's been a nice solace for whatever thoughts I felt like chronicling in here. But, I figured it'd have to end sometime. So, why not end this journal with the happy memory of ending high school?

Livejournal, you've been swell to me, through the good times and the bad times, and I believe this'll be the last time we see each other.

So long farewell, auf weidersehen goodbye!

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 07:49:19 GMT

Today will be my last day of High School, forever. I wonder what I'll do tomorrow?

To all the friends I've made and all the teachers I loved, cheers!

-Benjamin

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 11:45:49 GMT

It's my second to last day of High School. I'm starting to feel that bittersweet sickness about all the teachers and friends I may not see anymore...

Mon, 21 May 2007 05:40:15 GMT

Prom was fun... it takes me a while to let go sometimes. I danced for the first time ever. But, a couple things always tend to make me feel a little sad. I kinda wonder why I feel like I need the attention of certain people sometimes. But dancing my ass off for the first time was a little reminder of what having fun was like, regardless of whatever anyone's thinking. Shit, I even slow danced.

Afterwards was the tits. There's nothing like drinking with your friends, and having a good time while they're having a good time. I ended up doing tons of potentially embarrassing shit the whole night, but I have no regrets. It'd be nice if it was that fun to party with your friends every time. But, you can't plan these things.

I just wonder when I'll meet a girl that I put in the highest regards have mutual feelings for me... but, once again, you can't plan these things.

Regardless, I had tons of fun! High School is nearing it's execution. I'll be graduating, spending a year looking for scholarships, and hopefully keeping my mind out of the gutter.

and damn it's getting hard to make myself do homework... all I have to do is pass...

See you in 2008, Massachusetts!

Tue, 15 May 2007 23:00:02 GMT

So, this last weekend I recorded my first demo with a bunch of friends. It was a great experience, and tons of fun. It became a nice little reminder of one of the reasons I play music.

Wed, 09 May 2007 04:35:36 GMT

I squint a lot when I drive. When my eyes begin to focus, I start to realize how bad at seeing I've really become. Putting on other people's glasses who probably have a similar prescription to my eyes, the most stunning thing I've noticed is how vibrant reflections really are. Why is it this year that my vision has become so faded? I can't wait to get glasses, it'll be nice to see things clearly again.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 23:23:50 GMT

Haha, I've been made a fool! Someone slap the cuckold's horns behind my head.

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 22:32:38 GMT

So, I've been appointed drummer of Rendezvous. I had a mini revelation today.

See, I've never practiced swing beats in my life, so it had been a little awkward for the past few days to get real creative with the rhythm. But, while I was drumming today, I noticed that my hands were being completely independent of each other, and I wasn't even thinking or trying when I was playing. I was just letting the beat and the music flow, and it was coming out superb!

It's a nice feeling when you feel like you've gotten past another barrier in music.

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 04:21:26 GMT

I swear, the world is pulling me back and forth like the biggest joke tug-of-war ever. I best be learning to laugh at myself a lot.

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 23:08:44 GMT

The past week or so has really put me in a sad mood. I feel like I made some decisions that hurt some people's feelings, and made myself look like a jerk. It's my indecisiveness that is my downfall, and I was feeling real depressed about the whole situation. It seemed like the world was sort of laughing at me.

Anyway, this weekend was nice. I hung out with Joey and we watched our music teacher, Jerome, perform, and it was good! Then we saw Hot Fuzz with Kris, and it was ridiculously hilarious! Then, we ended the night at Mark's, with some beverages and a barbecue at 2:30 am! It was a nice change to the previous week, and I really am grateful to have such friends.

Today, at my lesson, Jerome asked when I was graduating. I told him in June. And he gave me a kun shoulder pad! He gave me some really encouraging words, and told me how much he respects me for what I've done.

I'm glad that I have the people I have in my life. I really hadn't felt this bad in so long, but these guys brought me back up, and I'm sure they don't even know it. But, I'm thankful for my friends and for my mentors. I don't know what I'd do without them sometimes.

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 05:28:46 GMT

I think I'm come off as a creep sometimes. HAHAHA

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 03:50:57 GMT

I've been going through little bouts of depression and nostalgia as of late.

I got accepted to Hampshire, and it's an exciting thing! But my Dad won't have anything to do with the cost. This entire situation has made me lose a lot of respect for him. So I've chosen to defer my admission for a year. Jerome told me how he took a year off, and it was the best decision he ever made. He worked half time, played music full time. I plan to do something similar. Maybe I'll go to Japan in the next year. But I plan to spend a good portion of it applying for scholarships and looking into different sorts of aid to get me through college.

I went to a Key Club convention this past weekend. It was kind of ridiculous, but pretty fun! Although, I really wonder if Key Club is more about the convention rather than the service. Then again, the convention has given me the desire to do more with my club in the next few months.

But I think other things were learned at this convention. Especially regarding me and the opposite sex. There were definitely a few awkward moments Joey and I had to struggle through. Grinding is the worst form of dance to ever exist.

I'm a lot more nervous around the opposite sex than I really thought I was. This convention was full of ridiculously beautiful girls. I mean, a large demographic of the people attending were nearly Goddesses of Women. And it's funny to think about how I handled myself in the midst of all this. Self consciousness is a killer, and I really wish I had the confidence to go up to anyone and say or do whatever I want all the time. Something I suppose I'll have to work on.

Maybe it was the fact that this convention was entirely made up of strangers, and that coming out of a comfort zone, like school, really puts my audacity to the test. I think I'd like to learn to dance.

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 06:48:04 GMT

These past few days were truly something else. Going into a room almost completely full of strangers, being given music, learning and performing it in two days with an accomplished composer and conductor was like nothing else. I'm really glad I did this Eric Whitacre Invitational. I feel like I learned a lot, especially being around so many young and exceptional singers.

Eric's story about how he got to where he was, was really encouraging to me. He started music much later than I did, and continued with it and made it into something really amazing. I think it just goes to show that tenacity and talent are sometimes much more important than how much theory you may or may not know.

I met some interesting people as well. I feel I came out of these two days with many things I'll never forget. Especially the music, and the people.

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 08:01:19 GMT

30 March, 2007 - The night my brain exploded.

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 11:56:38 GMT

I went over to Ashli's apartment tonight. I forgot how much I liked Bryant, Chris, and Ashli. I also forgot what it's like to meet those random people who drink, and how some are fun and some are strange. Especially watching one guy try and get with his friend's girlfriend the second he leaves. Luckily, Chris is a champion of the Coque Bloque.

I'm so disappointed in what Kevin's become. I felt ashamed of admitting to someone he was once my best friend. But, I don't think what he is now, is who I was friends with then. And if he is still just the same person, then I've encountered a change so vast within the past year.

I was the youngest person in that apartment. Some people were probably in their mid to late twenties. It's strange how I'm in the fruit of my youth, but these people are well into their adulthood. Yet, I am in the same room with them, at the same party, doing the exact same things as them. It is my conviction that if I do the best I can I will be able to have an exciting and amazing future. But these people discourage me. They've all had the years ahead of me to have developed something amazing. But they have nothing to do, so they come to the same party, and they'll probably leave in the morning, and forget about it, and then do it again next weekend, and the weekend after that, and then they'll probably die.

I guess what I'm most scared of are the doors closing around me. I hope to never live inside that wheel.

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 07:00:36 GMT

300 was unreal.

Practice was good today, minus Joey not being there. But things are really coming together and I think the music will be real solid in no time. Nik playing 3 octaves of E's is REDUNKULOUS and sounds cooler than anything I've ever heard! I feel like I've laid off a little bit with the music now, and it's turning out to be much better than it was before.

I had a big conversation with my mom. She told me how I don't take advice, and that I think I know everything. I found some truth in this conversation, especially when she'd give me advice and my reply would be "I know." Rather than a thank you or something... But I understood how in my music, the quality before was much more inferior to what it's becoming now, and I think that was due to a need to satisfy my huge ego by making sure every single little detail is exactly how I want it. I guess what I never took time to look at was how the musician's role is played in music. Anyone can play a song, but it's the real musicians that make it their own. I felt like my dictatorship was hindering a lot of potential creativity and quality in these songs, and now that I've begun to lay off and let things happen more naturally with everyone, that things are starting to come together easier and better than before. It'll be nice to get this all recorded and squared away.

I'm going to make my first composition soon. It'll also be my final for AP Music Theory. Thank heavens for the musics

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 03:41:01 GMT

Solo Ensemble was fun! I got a 2+, which is out of a score with 1 being the best, and 3 being the lowest. My voice felt a little harsh in the morning, so when I hit the higher notes in Standchen, they didn't retain the quality of tone my lower notes had. But, what can ya do? I felt like I did pretty good, and the judge had a lot of good things to say. Also, she didn't ask if I knew what the song was about, which most likely means I must've shown my expressions very well. I forgot a few words in the second half of the song, but I just replaced them with previous words that I remembered, and I wonder if she didn't notice?! My accompanist didn't notice, and I feel like I played it cool and sang well. Today was real good. I think I worked Che Fiero Costume pretty well too.

I also went to the school's play last night, and it was real good. It's kinda funny watching people you know play these roles so well. I almost cried!

I've been considering it since last year, but I've decided to try out for the next play. I've never been in a play before, so I figure now's the time to try! Although, it may mean I'll have to not continue into Japanese 203, but I think I'd be okay with that. It's my last year of High School, I figure I might do everything while I have the chance! I don't want to end this year with any regretful "what if?"s.

My vocal range has been improving as well. The other day, I believe I hit the B above middle C with my chest voice, and there was no distortion with my throat or anything. My life goal is to hit the C two octaves above middle C, like Ian Gillan! I've only got a little more than an octave to go!!!

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 10:47:42 GMT

So Hampshire put me on the waiting list for a second application review in the spring. I wasn't instantly denied! Maybe there is hope for me in higher education...

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 04:59:24 GMT

I wish I was justice.

Is there ever a time where it's necessary to inflict harm upon someone?

I think so. Absolutely.

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 07:47:08 GMT

Winter Break II was fun. I tried to do as much as I could every day because I never knew when school would come back. Joey and I ended up just not going today, since it was Friday and it just didn't seem worth it. Although, today was probably the least fun of them all.

I have trouble being around people for too long. I don't know what it is, but sometimes I just can't handle anyone.

I'm ready to go full force into practicing. I'm pretty sure I've decided what studio to record in. Now it's just a matter of getting everyone up to speed musically. I'm going to make sure things are immaculate, perfect, and beyond all previous expectations. I'm really excited to begin working with Nik, Kevin, Jared, Michael, and Joey. There's so much talent and creativity is mixed up between these guys. It's going to be an adventure and an honor. I can't wait!

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 03:28:07 GMT

I went to Winter Formal. It was my first time going, and probably my last time as well (being that I'm a senior and all). I was kind of in a bad mood the majority of the dance, but once Joey and I got our picture taken, things seemed to lighten up, and I ended up having a pretty good time after the dance.

I feel like I'm in flux right now. I'm not entirely sure of my relationships with a lot of people. But after going to Bobby's last night, I think maybe I'm not as alone as I think I am. Which is nice.

6 hours until 2007

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 02:23:23 GMT

2006:

I think this year helped me evaluate what's really important to me. I found two new loves: Choir, and Japanese. Maybe just even school in general. I grew apart from a lot of my old friends. I dated Lok Yan in January. I think that helped me realize how much I wasnt up for a girlfriend.

The weird thing about the new years, is when you look at the year in retrospect, it's hard to try and fit everything in order. It seems like the school year makes so much more sense than the calendar year.

I'm glad I started Japanese, Violin, and Choir.

Winter, Lok Yan and I had our thing for January. That expired within the month. I remember starting to love school, and putting a lot more into than ever had previously. When spring came along, I started Choir and Drawing and Painting class. I remember those few weeks before the graduating class was leaving, and realized how much I would miss many of those that were leaving. Especially Nella and Naomi. Choir also started to take a grip on me, and I soon realized that I cared more about singing than most other things. I also got my first 2 jobs in the same day.

This year had the best summer I've ever had. I wrote more japanese, and spoke almost as much japanese than I did english for those three months. It was heavenly, surreal bliss. When I look back on those drives to PCC in the mornings, remembering the sun's rays blazing through the trees on the drive up Mt Park, listening to Envy - Insomniac Doze almost every day and back, almost brings tears to my eyes. I made great friends, and met one of those most wonderful girls I'll ever hope to meet.

School came, and with Princeton Review, Rendezvous, Japanese Class, and Work I felt super overwhelmed. Prospects of College began to run my life, and every waking moment felt stressful and unreal. But I was able to handle it, and couldnt wait for the day when I finally got to sleep in. Fall, like the wind, was tumultuous and unpredictable.

Now is winter, the end of the year. This break has been nice, and I've gotten to sleep much. Life will begin shortly, and I will turn in some college applications tomorrow.

But nothing was like that Summer.

2007: Rabbit rabbit.

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 05:08:54 GMT

This was a very good christmas. Although, all of them seem quite wonderful. I really did get everything I want, and even some more.

This year is coming to a close, and I have something I must do before it's too late.

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 21:44:49 GMT

Today, I went to lunch with my parents. We sat by a window, and a delivery truck drove by, but the driver left the back open, so tons of stuff fell out. He stops in the middle of the road, puts on his hazards, and comes out super pissed off shoving all the crates that fell out out of the road. He was real upset, it was quite obvious, and probably on a deadline for one of the shittiest days of the year to be driving. Anyway, he goes back to his car, and a couple guys out of nowhere come from the restaurant, and start helping stack the crates, without even asking the driver or anything. Two cooks, and I think the manager of the restaurant took time off their work, to go help out this guy. I just remember watching the driver come back, with a big grin on his face, as he saw the guys help stacking the shit before he even got there. It was sort of an inspiring moment. People sharing the struggle of one individual. I sat in my chair, wondering why I wasnt out there. But I think it was okay, I think things'll be alright for that guy.

I have weird feelings again. Mrs.

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 07:31:35 GMT

Getting all these college applications ready is severely making me anticipate the future. Sarah Lawrence, Boston University, Reed College, Evergreen, and possibly Lewis and Clark are the rest that I'll apply to. Although, I dearly do hope that Hampshire does have a spot for me, that place just seems to good to be true.

Since I've started violin, I've had that lingering feeling of coming home and wanting to play the instrument. It's a nice feeling to come back. Although, I broke a fucking string, and that really pissed me off. I need to not drop shit.

It's ironic. A few people have the right to slap me in the face for saying this, but studying music theory has made me enjoy music so much more than before. What once was a mythical beast, now has a tangible anatomy, and that isn't a bad thing at all. Oh how naive I was.

Dearest Choir, how I will miss thee

Winter Break is soon. I need to grab some musical minds together.